• ...inside and out

    like fumbling steps in the haze?…

    …about the difference between dream and reality, like fumbling steps in the haze…

    a wasp buzzing on the window, time is universe
    your hand behind me, can feel the heat
    your hand in my hand, on my body, can feel the heat…

    a wasp buzzing on the window, time is brutally obvious
    your lips on my neck, can feel the desire
    your lips on my lips, on my cheek, can feel the desire…

    a wasp buzzing on the window, time has taken time out
    your mind is open, can feel the depth
    your mind in my mind, both lost in the depths…

    a wasp buzzing on the window, time is eternity
    your trust is everything, can feel the strength
    your trust is given me, incredibly fragile in it’s strength…

  • ...inside and out

    Something that gnaws at my soul

    Type rather private.

    It’s difficult to be as private as I wish, out in the cyberspace. Who will read and who will not. What will people think… But what’s the purpose, otherwise, to have a blog? Just some thoughts coming through my mind.

    Those days it feels like my life laughing at me and playing with me. It’s something that gnaws at my soul.

    Although I do know that my children who now have grown up as very nice well behaved talented persons… I feel like a very very terribly unsuccessful mom. That’s the thing.

    You should have a well paid job. Should’nt you? And when you don’t… everything is like a mess.

    Although I have sense enough to realize that life brought their own hooks that I could not do straight alone, I do feel like a very unsuccessful mom.

    I love my children. But sometimes it would have been easier to be alone, just have myself to be responsible to.

    But life is not easy. I know. And for all reasons in the world, I would not have missed to have my children.

    I just don’t know now and then how to go further.

    Put one leg in front of the other and take the step. Just walk. Sometimes it doesn’t work, though…

    Something that gnaws at my soul. Because I should have done everything in some other more successful way!

    Something that gnaws at my soul. Because when I read my doughters blog, my heart just jumped over at least seven bumps… she wrote about lonelyness and that the only thing she have to live for, is her cats. I know she is a teenager but anyway. Perhaps there is lot’s of things I could have done better. I know every parent perhaps feel that way but ANYWAY!

    Something that gnaws at my soul. Monday afternoon I had to visit the social welfare department for maintenance support. For some time. And then you feel they take all your clothes off to investigate every cell in your body…they dig until they reach your soul… and gnaw and gnaw.

    Something that gnaws at my soul.

    And Im just sad.