...inside and out

... kind of everything that's pop up in my head...

  • ...inside and out

    My beautiful butterfly 🦋

    …It’s ok if you want to fly your own way

    if you want to make your own wind.

    An almost unnoticed breeze in the morning fog

    the first rays of sunshine

    make your colors dazzling – red, purple, black, and yellow.

    Dance, my beautiful butterfly, dance! Do a piruette! And a loop!

    Make your own wind, make the music of the breeze and of the storm,

    let your wings be filled with the wind,

    and aim at the stars and catch the universe.

    And then.

    Search your way back and take a break. Take a rest.

    Don’t worry.

    I’ll be here. Always.

     

    mum 🌷

  • ...inside and out

    Why pretending…

    …that you mean something else?

    Why not just be, and accept that this is it.
    Don´t care about all the others, they might not exist.

    Why pretend, when you can feel the reelness?
    There is no need for pretending.

    Your heart is crying, so why pretend something else?

    This is it, you know. This is it. This. Is. It.

  • ...inside and out

    As much as you need

    I wish…

    …that I could take my sisters hand and go out and make snowangels in the snow. She is better but every step takes time.

    There is no snow. My wish is like a symbol.

    Christmas Eve, tomorrow. 

    Since a year I’ve been working away from home. It took a while to make my appartment ready for Christmas. 

    I put my two clocks back on their places on the walls. Neither of them works. 

    I haven’t change batteries. The time that not change is like a symbol.

    The big table is ready for the big dinner. The red cloth on the table and all the chairs seem to stand in attention in millimetre precision.

    Tomorrow my kids will sit on the chairs. I need no other desires to be fulfilled but my sisters spirit will sit on an own chair.

    Everything is ready for the big day. The big dinner. Everything is ready for the Santa. I don’t like Christmas but I’m trying to do my best anyway.

    All the chairs seem to stand in attention in millimetre precision. 

    The Christmas tree also standing in attention to be dressed in glass angels and all the other decorations.

    I need my sister. I need my kids. I do need my friends. 

    I can’t buy Christmas gifts to everyone I would like to give a Christmas gift to. But I can give a millimetre of my spirit. For free. Maybe one centimetre. Or, as much as you need. And you can send a little piece back…???

    ”If I Needed You” 

    If I needed you

    Would you come to me

    Would you come to me

    For to ease my pain

    If you needed me

    I would come to you

    I would swim the seas

    For to ease your pain

    Well the night’s forlorn

    And the morning’s born

    And the morning shines

    With the lights of love

    And you’ll miss sunrise

    If you close your eyes

    And that would break

    My heart in two

    If I needed you

    Would you come to me

    Would you come to me

    For to ease my pain

    If you needed me

    I would come to you

    I would swim the seas

    For to ease your pain

    Baby’s with me now

    Since I showed her how

    To lay

    Her lilly

    Hand in mine

    Who would ill agree

    She’s a sight to see

    A treasure for

    The poor to find

    If I needed you

    Would you come to me

    Would you come to me

    For to ease my pain

    If you needed me

    I would come to you

    I would swim the seas

    For to ease your pain

  • ...inside and out

    Bland vita sjukhusrockar och sprutor

    Min syster är lite fåfäng. 

    Det är viktigt med frisyren, med kläder, med naglar och smink. 

    Men det är viktigt på ett trevligt sätt. 

    Min storasyster är ett år äldre än mig. Den förstfödde av fyra syskon. Min storasyster är alltså nummer ett. Jag är nummer två. Min storasyster hade alltid den förstföddes åsiktsrätt och det var bara att lyda. Typ.

    När min syster var 12 och gick i sexan var det skitballt att börja röka. Så det gjorde hon, tillsammans med sina tjejkompisar. I nästan 40 år har hon rökt. I USA kan man stämma cigarettfabrikanterna. Men inte i Sverige. Man får stilla beskåda den åverkan rökningen utsätter henne och har utsatt henne för.

    Det som händer min syster just nu. 

    Det hade hon sannolikt inte velat vara med om. Men nu kan hon inte prata. Nu är hon förlamad på höger sida. Orden kommer inte fram. Orden får inget ljud och ingen form.

    Tiden är som ett moln som seglar omkring. Lite genomskinligt. Man vet inte om det ska bli regn.

    Tiden är bara en sekundvisare och en timvisare som lever sitt eget liv. Min syster har ingenting att göra med tiden.

    Hon ligger i sängen och jag sitter på en stol bredvid och det är ett universum utan tal, för min syster, och mitt universum det där de omkringdansande bokstäverna bildar ordet ”väntan”.

    När de sticker nästa nål och nästa nål och nästa nål i hennes redan söndernålade armar och händer, vill jag att hon skriker och formar de ord som vidarebefordrar hennes vilja.

    Det är bara ett tyst skrik.

    Celtic Womans ”You raise me up” från den lilla laddningsstationens högtalare. Två ljus tända. 

    Min syster älskar änglar. Två hänger ovanför hennes huvud, i en av droppställningarna. Ett par stycken på sängbordet. En står på fönsterbrädan och en hänger på gardinstången. 

    Min syster är den snällaste i hela världen. Jag önskar att orden hon tänker, får ljud. Får form. Önskar önskar önskar.

    Tiden driver vidare med de genomskinliga molnen. 

    Det regnar.

    * * * * * * * * * *

    Min syster i Egypten, den 14 november. Fullt ös! 

  • ...inside and out

    I should have done…….

    A brutal reminder of how quickly life can change.

    And, the words….. “I should have….” “I should have……” “I should have……”

    There is soooo many things, that I should have done, that I didn’t done, while there was time. And even if it’s like that, always, when things like this happen, I still remind my self. I should have done…

    Now it’s a big question if my sister will be able to talk again. Will be able to eat, move…

    There is a quiet question in her eyes. But you don’t know the question.

    There is a quiet scream on her lips. Which land brutally in my heart.

    I should have done.

    I should have done.

    I should have done.

  • ...inside and out

    If..! (Jean Michel Jarre)

    I like to talk somewhere no one can hear us in
    I built the wall safe and sound, safe and sound

    No distractions, interactions

    Here we are, together and face to face (Face to face)

    No escaping, concentrating

    Yeah. it’s hard when you’re never gonna beat the race

    And if, if we had the time

    And nothing on our minds

    Would you run away with me?

    If, if we had the time

    And nothing on our minds

    Would you run away with me?

    We’re too busy, busy, busy, busy

    Busy saying nothing

    So busy, busy, busy, busy

    Busy saying nothing

    And if, if we had the time

    And nothing on our minds

    Would you run away with me?

    If, if we had the time

    And nothing on our minds

    Would you run away with me?

    I wanna talk to you

    I wanna talk to you

    I wanna talk to you

    I wanna talk to you

    I like to talk

    I built the walls

    And if, if we had the time

    And nothing on our minds

    Would you run away with me?

    If, if we had the time

    And nothing on our minds

    Would you run away with me?

  • ...inside and out

    Day 3, 10th April

    Sunday. It was really nice to get a nice sleep! We nearly overslept… So we need tu hurry for breakfast. It’s always exciting to see what that will be like. And this became a very good surprise! It was more like a very big lunchbuffet. Different ”corners” – Japanese food, yogurt corner, bread corner, fruit corner, Thai corner, seafood corner… And so on. Wow. They fried the eggs while you asked for them! They made all food like that, you asked for it and then they made it. Nice! So, it was really your own problem if you walked from there like hungry!

    After that great breakfast we went down to the street and asked for a TucTuc to the big Chatuchak market. It’s exciting with those TucTucs. As a Swedish it’s always surprising with the traffic situation and how they do. A TucTuc is mostly a moped, on three wheels. And this one, was souped-up. The driver speeded it up in at least 100km/hours. It wasn’t nice at all with the exhausts, but you could feel the air in your hair and everything gets closer so it’s worth it anyway!

    If you take Kvibergs market in Gothenburg, thousand times or something. Then you have Chatuchak. It’s one of the worlds biggest markets!

    It was hot. Not just hot. Very very VERY hot! HOT !!! It was like walking around in a sauna, actually. The air was still. Totally still. It’s difficult to understand who the people that worked there, made it day in and day out. And we couldn’t understand at all, people walking around in jeans and long arms sweaters. After a short while you felt very dirty. And the sweat dropped and dripped. Hehe.

    Anyhow, it was an exciting experience and we shopped trousers and shirts and shorts and shawls. Everything for about 3-400 Swedish crowns. Nice! And, some water. Several times, water. And some fruit and meat.

    When we were tired of the heat, we took a TucTuc to MacDonalds in Bangkok city. We thought that they maybe should have some vegetarian option, but they only had some salad. So we walked in in the big shopping centre, it was like NK in Stockholm. And there were lot’s of restaurants! So we just choosed one.

    After that, it was time to go back to Baiyoke Hotel and pick up our luggage. It would had been very nice with a shower… but, no. We took our luggage and went down to the street for a taxi, this time. And gave the driver the note that the nice girl in the reception wrote for us, how to go to Lomphraya ferry office. Unfortunately it was the first time for this driver, to find that place. So it took a while. When we came there, it was kind of chaos. Hundreds of people, waiting for buses to go to Kho Tao and the other islands around. All the people were waiting in the middle of the big street, and before you could sat down on the ground you had to find the office. So I left Bea with our backpacks, and walked away to find the office. I think it must have been one the most popular streets in Bangkok, thinking of the activity there and all the people. Wow. At last I found the office, checked in and got the tickets, and some stickers they wanted us to put on our t-shirts. We got yellow numbers for the seats in the bus. Around us there were blue, orange, greens and so on. Smart. So we waited for the bus with yellow numbers.

    It took a while. Before the bus arrived and picked us up. A double decker. On the upper floor at the back of the bus, there were our seats. And we were lucky this time too, as on the aircraft – we had five seats this time! The three in the middle wasn’t able to put back, so that can be the reason. After we had left Bangkok, one of the drivers handed out blankets for everyone. Nice!

    So, then we left Bangkok! 21:30.

    The road wasn’t the best. The driver was maybe not the best… And maybe it wasn’t the best to sit at the back of the bus… Bumpy.

    In the middle of the night, we stopped for a short break.

  • ...inside and out

    On our way!

    Leaving rainy Gothenburg!
    Leaving rainy Gothenburg!
    Breakfast.
    Breakfast.
    On the way to Berlin.
    On the way to Berlin.
    Berlin...
    Berlin…
    Berlin...
    Berlin…
    Berlin...
    Berlin…
    Somebody has to be awake!
    Somebody has to be awake!
    In the air
    In the air
    Time change
    Time change
    ...

    imageimageimage

    ...
    Abu Dhabi
    Abu Dhabi
    Everything for a nice flight!
    Everything for a nice flight!
    ...
    On the way!
    On the way!
    Dinner in the air
    Dinner in the air
    The selfie club...
    The selfie club…
    Lego!
    Lego!
    What can you say?!
    What can you say?!
    When you don't like pepper...
    When you don’t like pepper…
    Abu Dhabi was a very nice airport.
    Abu Dhabi was a very nice airport.
    Ferrari!
    Ferrari!
    Abu Dhabi, praying room for ladies.
    Abu Dhabi, praying room for ladies.
    Abu Dhabi
    Abu Dhabi
    Abu Dhabi
    Abu Dhabi
    If you wanted to pay 5000kr more...
    If you wanted to pay 5000kr more…
    The selfie club 😜
    The selfie club 😜
    Abu Dhabi Airport
    Abu Dhabi Airport
    Abu Dhabi
    Abu Dhabi
    Almost exploding!
    Almost exploding!
    Suvarnabhumi Airport, Bangkok!
    Suvarnabhumi Airport, Bangkok!
    Suvarnabhumi Airport, Bangkok!
    Suvarnabhumi Airport, Bangkok!